“To Love or Not to Love – Just Say the Word”
When the heart loses its way, let reason light the path
A girl drowning in love not knowing whether to move forward or step back with the man she’s seeing – ends up asking… the entire world: God, strangers, fortune-tellers, Google, parents, siblings, friends, and even… a lawyer!
“Should I love him? Should I marry him?”
Before answering Yes or No, the lawyer asks a few questions. Not out of curiosity, but because the truth hides in the details.
Here is a checklist as your reference between “wed or walk away”:
1. How does he treat you?
- Is he punctual? Or always late?
- Does he honor his promises?
- Does he take you where you want to go – even if that means eating shellfish at midnight just because you crave it?
- When you’re sad, does he notice?
- Will he hold your hand in public, introduce you at events, bring you into the light—or does he hide you away like treasures?
- Around other women, does he flirt – or stay true whether he’s with them or with you?
- Is he generous with compliments?
- Does he take you traveling (even just a romantic getaway along the Red River dike to rekindle your love), or does he brush it off with, “Too busy working, travel’s a luxury.”
- Instead of late-night texts, does he buy you skincare cream and remind you to sleep early?
- Does he tell you go by grab yourself at midnight when he misses you?
- Does he carry your heavy bags – or sneer, “Can’t even lift that? How do you expect to handle life?”
- Does he drive you to see your friends – or refuse, “They’re your friends, not mine,” and leave you to go alone?
- When there’s no ride, does he order you a car to get home safely – even at 1 a.m. or let you fend for yourself in the Xanh SM zone?
- Would he take you to the airport late at night, knowing it’s unsafe for you to go alone?
- When someone in your family passes away, does he send flowers, show up, pay respect?
- When you’re in the hospital, does he sit for hours in the hallway so you won’t feel alone?
- When you lose your job, does he help you look for work, or at least share useful leads?
- Does he wait patiently while you shop or get your hair done – or sulk, yawn, and scroll his phone, muttering “Shopping is torture”? Or does he beam and say, “That outfit looks perfect on you”, even enthusiastic enough to take photos of the dress from every angle at the back, and then point them out to you.
- Does he listen – or just wait for his turn to talk, blaming you first before you finish a sentence?
- Does he remember your birthday, anniversaries – or forget them all?
- Does he cuddle after sex – or grab his phone to check stocks and scroll facebook?
- Does he demand you dress conservatively while ogling other women?
- Does he respect your faith, join you in church or temple?
- When drunk, does he get violent?
- Fix your broken bathroom light, restock your fridge, help you find a second-hand TV or just only be there for your bed?
- And most telling of all, how does he treat others, not just you?
- Where are you? With whom? Doing what? Share your location!
Does he let you study, work or flood you with calls, explaining it away as “love and passion”? Attention that turns into control is not love. Love that feels like prison is not freedom. - Does he care about your life goals?
Does he ask about your dreams? Share his own with clarity?
Does he spend free time nurturing them with you – or just lie around gaming, saying, “Live for today, who cares about tomorrow”? - His health and plans for life together?
Does he care for his body or dress in wrinkled clothes, sloppy at work?
Play sports or just drink beer?
Does he encourage you to exercise or dismiss it: “Why bother? Cleaning the house is enough.”
If you plan children, has he taken health checks? Some genetic risks (like thalassemia) don’t show but can devastate. There are over10 million Vietnamese carry the gene. Don’t gamble with future babies. - Does love make you better?
Are you happier, glowing, laughing with him?
Or shrinking, stressed, sleepless, fading into a ghost of yourself?
If love drains you, it’s not love – it’s psychological warfare.
Your face, your eyes, your smile are the truest answer. You can’t fake happy. Not to your mirror. - Have you lived together?
Only then do shadows show. Kind men have flaws, gentle men dark sides. Living together isn’t wrong; assuming someone is “the dream” without knowing them is. - Does he protect you?
In a crowd, does he stand by you or join in tearing you down under the excuse of “helping you improve”?
Does he defend your dignity or spy, film you, snoop your phone while you sleep? (Even little elementary school girls would despise you for secretly reading their diaries). Or leaked your private things “by accident” to his friends? and let his entire circle of friends make fun of you? (He has no right whatsoever, and doesn’t even realize that what he’s doing is against the law).
Dose he yell at you at the elevator, right in front of everyone?
If someone disrespects, does he dare to stand up for you, pointing straight at the face of the one who insulted you “Watch your mouth when you’re talking to my girl ” or stay silent?
- Money?
A decent man won’t leave you to struggle alone. He cares about your bills, rent, groceries, not numb to your stress. - Respect when you say “NO”?
If he turns cold, angry, or vanishes just because you don’t want sex. He doesn’t want you. He wants what’s between your legs.
Let’s call it what it is.
- Family?
Does he help you get home for the holidays?
Does he ever buy flowers for your mother?
Does he care your concern or toss out, “That’s your family’s thing”?
- Does he make you feel safe?
Not just physically, but emotionally, in your future, in the choices of your life.
And finally – ask your own heart:
“When I’m with him… do I feel loved? Valued? Or like a freeloading backup dancer in my own life?” Am I respected? Do I feel like ME?
To love someone is important. But to choose the right one to love is even more so.
That is everything.
Excerpt from a book “To Love or Not to Love 88” by author Ha Kim
